Our Story: Part 4

Christal was just as miserable as I was, caught up in a love triangle that was not in her favor. She had a crush on Josh, Josh had a crush on me, and I was just a depressed lump forever waiting on Jared. We would all hang out and go to local shows together, and she would get upset that Josh wouldn't pay attention to her. I was utterly conflicted because part of me ate the attention up with a big spoon, and the other part of me felt like an awful person for letting Christal get hurt and having feelings for Josh.

Josh and I started hanging out even more, and my mind was black and blue. You had never met someone who was so hard on herself as I was. I wish I could go back and tell myself you can't help having feelings, but I probably wouldn't have been able to hear over my mental torment. I made myself miserable, and not hearing from Jared after he said he'd call hurt terribly. Rachel would call thankfully, and listen and help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. Sadly though, I'd just miss her too and want curl up with her in her bed and listen to the crickets chirp outside her window in the fields surrounding her home.

October 13th, 2007. I finally gave in. There was a sweet, caring, funny boy right in front of me asking me to be his girlfriend. There was a the guy I was crazy in love with 3,000 miles away who wouldn't call, write, or walk to the library to get online. So when he asked, I said yes. It seems like such a short span of time, but living it and counting the days since I'd seen Jared felt like watching sand fall through an hourglass one grain at a time.

I thought maybe I'd feel better, or less conflicted, but it only seemed to get worse. I hid it from everyone for a week, not because I was ashamed of him or anything, but because I didn't want to deal with anyone. I didn't want Christal to be upset or to hate me, and I didn't want Jared to find out, and I didn't even feel excited enough to tell anyone. I just couldn't really grasp the reality, but I figured it was best to suck it up and move on with my life and try to be happy and make the best of it. Jared didn't care enough to fight for me, and I was too tired to fight anymore.

Time passed and things got easier. Christal seemed to become happier, or at least pretended to be. I started to fall for Josh because of his sweet sincereness. He reminded me a little of me in how I'd felt for Jared, the way he was just so unbreakably happy when he was with me. He would beat himself up sometimes the same way I did. During a show we went to, he was brooding and quiet, not his usual silly bubbly self. No matter how many times I asked what was wrong though, he wouldn't budge. When the show was nearly over, he finally broke down and said “I just feel like I ruined things between you and Jared”. I had to reassure him that I wanted to be with him, which was also me trying to convince myself I was over Jared. Still, the more time that went by, the easier this became.

Then the dreams started. He found me, and like a deer caught in the headlights I could not get away. The first didn't make much sense, and was mostly just a manifestation of my guilt. He was in a car crash, and I flew back to Ohio. I was on the phone with Josh while standing at the gas station in Lewisburg. Jared was suddenly there and was explaining how right before it happened, he realized how much he liked me. Josh asked if it was Jared, and I just said “Yeah...I gotta go,” and hung up to talk more with Jared. While it wasn't anything, my emotions weighed heavy when I woke up. I was confused and angry.

November had finally come, and it was time to go back to Ohio. Strangely though, I was almost dreading leaving. I had grown very attached to Josh, and we'd gotten used to seeing each other every day, even on weekends. I was also afraid as to what would happen when I came face to face with Jared again.