That
moment came as soon as I stepped off the airplane and down into the
terminal. There he was with all of my friends. I finally felt lighter
than a balloon, for the first time in months. He was right there, and
it was like my mind had been wiped clean of all the months I had been
away. I got in the car with my friends and we went to Lewisburg for
dinner at my Grammy's. Before dinner, we all went down to the park.
Not
too much happened that first day. He wore my hoodie around all
day(which was zebra striped, had a fur lined hood, and was way too
small on him) which I thought was really cute. Grammy made my
friends and I a delicious lasagna dinner, and we gorged ourselves. We
went upstairs to digest, and all dog piled onto a bed, he laid close
to me which I thought was note-worthy. It almost irritated me, I
could tell he liked me. It was finally to the point that it was
obvious to me like it had never been before. A veil had been lifted,
and I was finally able to see. Or perhaps he just couldn't hide it
anymore. Maybe he didn't want to. Either way it felt like my life no
longer depended on if he loved me or not. It didn't.
Later
that night there was a bonfire at Rachel's house, and we all sat
around the fire. It was so nice to be back with all my friends, under
that never ending starry sky. Alaska felt like a million miles away,
and I felt strange that I was feeling so mentally distance as well as
physically. The night before I'd been bawling my eyes out for leaving
Josh, and now I was feeling the urge to be close to Jared. How could
my heart be so fickle? I was beating myself up again as I watched the
flames dance.
Suddenly
Jared and Mike got up, and walked to the edge of the field, because
Mike had talked about how scary and exciting it was to run in the
dark. I took off after them, my mind under that spell that commanded
I stay by his side no matter where he went. Mark, set, GO, and we
were off running through the harvested corn field. It was terrifying
and exciting. I tripped over a few leftover corn stalks, and slowed
down for fear I might actually fall. They left me in the dust. I
watched for a moment, then they slowed and Jared laid down in the dirt.
I
trotted over to him and Mike headed back to the bonfire. He was
wearing a long black peacoat, and he opened one side and invited me
to lay down with him. I obliged, still under his spell. I didn't want
to think anymore, I just wanted to do, and being with him felt so right. He wrapped his coat around me as he felt me shivering in
the cold. I laid my head on his chest, and we gazed at the milky way
above us. While he was cracking his cool outwardly through his body
language, his lips were still sealed. I think he was afraid to admit
it to himself still. Afraid to love me for fear of getting hurt
either by the distance, or by just allowing me to hold his heart in
his hands. So we shivered together in silence for a while before
deciding to go back to the fire.
A day or so later, I went to visit my friends in school. It was really silly, and I ended up answering a thousand stupid questions about Alaska("Do you live in igloos?" No. "Do you ride polar bears?" Seriously? "Do you have a penguin as a pet?" Okay penguins don't live north of the equator...). After that, I went back to Lewisburg with Grammy, and somehow got in touch with Dan. He drove himself and Jared over and we went to subway. Jared, Mike and Rachel had earlier claimed that they'd become vegetarians, yet here was Jared ordering the meatiest sub possible. I took pictures as evidence and teased him mercilessly. Then we went to visit Jared's mom, who was moving out of her apartment. I was shy and quiet, but so excited to finally meet the women who'd im'ed me so long ago of her approval. After that we went back to my Grammy's and sat in Dan's parked car and took a million ridiculous photos together.
Towards the end of the week, I went to hang out with Mike, Rachel, and Jared. We
went out to Fazoli's for dinner, and afterwards went to a field to
play hide and seek. Of course there were teams because it was pitch
black outside, and of course it was Mike and Rachel vs Jared and I.
We ran out to hide first, and I clung to him for fear of what might
be hiding in the darkness.
Mike
and Rachel counted loudly in unison and we ran around blindly looking
for a spot to hide. I was pretty petrified and was clinging tightly
to Jared. He dove into some brush and we crouched, waiting. We were
completely still, I was too scared to move much, and I think he was
really into the game. They stopped counting and the roar of silence
filled the air. I was suddenly too aware of how close we were,
holding onto each other in the bushes. My mind was whirring. I turned
to look at him and he looked at me too. For a moment I was thought he
was going to kiss me, and part of me wanted this, and part chastised myself for even thinking it.
Just
in time Mike and Rachel's tread was snapping brush in front of us.
Our eyes had adjusted enough to faintly make out their outline as
they walked right past us. They wondered around for a moment, Rachel
whispering about how she couldn't see and how creepy it was out here
at night. Closer they came again, and all of a sudden Rachel startled some
birds out of some bushes around us. Screams of bloody murder came
from her and I, and that was the end of that game.
We
headed back to Rachel's house, and they decided to play music in the
field of her backyard. They jammed for a little while, then we headed inside to Rachel's
room. I went up into the loft to look at the old pictures she had up
on her wall, and Jared followed me. They laid down on her bed below
then turned out the light. We sat down on the couch, opposite ends.
My mind was racing again, I knew the inevitable was going to happen.
He
laid down, and I stayed sitting, indignant. All of a sudden he pulled
me to him, and I could not stop him because it was what I wanted. I
was tired, I was weak, I was in love, I was in a different state,
excuses excuses. He started to kiss me, and I was stunned. I didn't
kiss back at first, but then I couldn't help myself. I kissed him
back for a moment until the little wounded self from the summer
screamed from the back of my mind. I snapped out of it and pushed him
away and shook my head. That was all I could muster. Too many
thoughts were crashing through my head for me to articulate anything
to him, not to mention we'd never had a mature conversation about our
feelings. I wanted to scream all my hurt from the summer at him. I
wanted to scream “How could you?!”.
I
think Mike called him down to leave then, and I got up to follow. For
some reason they climbed through her window, maybe because they
missed curfew like so many nights before. Rachel leaned out the
window to kiss Mike goodbye. I became selfish, and I wanted to take
back the life that was stolen from me. The life where this type of
thing happened every weekend, because Jared was my boyfriend and I
still lived in Lakengren. The life where he dried my tears when I got
into fights with my family, and snuck to my window at night to steal
a kiss. The life where he took me to prom and my mom took pictures of
us in the front yard. The way things were supposed to be. I leaned
out the window and kissed Jared like it was nothing I wasn't used to
doing. Then they left.
Rachel
and I climbed into bed and I started crying. I told her what had
happened, and I told her about everything I was feeling. How I had a
boyfriend and I was a terrible person, how I was still in love with
Jared but he just kept me as a casual object he could pick up and put
down whenever he pleased. She wiped my tears and assured me I wasn't
a bad person. I was so mad at Jared that I tried to convinced myself
I didn't love him anymore. How could I love him when he treated me
this way, and made me fall under his spell.
It
wasn't his fault though. While it wasn't fair of him to pick me up and put
me down, I understand why he did it. He couldn't not love me when
I was right there in front of him, and when I was gone, he just shut
down so he wouldn't have to deal with the hurt of me being gone. He didn't know about Josh either. That would hurt him later, but he was
still unaware that I had a boyfriend at that point.
The
next morning the boys came back. I had showered and was hiding under
the blankets, embarrassed to let Jared see my full blown curly hair.
He curled up in bed with me though and insisted on how cute it was
and how much he liked it. My anger at him was starting to melt away.
Rachel and Mike went off to the living room, I'm sure she thought I
wanted to talk to him, but of course I couldn't. We just laid there
smiling at each other for a while, with me taking the ponytail out of his long hair and putting it around my wrist. Then I found a tangle of black
string, and I don't know what possessed me, but I decided to tie it
around his ring finger. He let me, watching me carefully wrap the
long strand around and around. Just as I finished, Rachel burst into
the room, and I turned around startled to her snapping a picture of
us.
After
that, we went to breakfast at the Eaton Place. We sat in the booth,
me next to Jared and Mike next to Rachel in the dingy little diner.
The guilt was pushing its way back into my mind, especially for
putting a mock ring on his finger, and I was taking it out on Jared.
Despite Rachel trying to tell me otherwise, I still felt like the
scum of the earth, and I was blaming Jared for it. I was cold and
distant, but I don't think he noticed.
We
went to the fairfield mall to shop, and by the time we got there, my
iciness had started to wear off. The only super notable thing I
remember from the mall is the booth in the center, where Rachel
bought a head massager. The man running it looked at Jared and I, and
asked if I was his girlfriend. Without a moment of hesitation, Jared
said “No”, and that was another bitter nail in the coffin I was
prepared to bury our love in. He didn't look at me and smile, didn't
think, didn't bother to lie to the man to be cute. Just flat out
“no”. Didn't want to claim me. My heart felt broken all over
again and I was back to being cold.
It
was my last day in Ohio already, and we headed back to Lewisburg. We
decided to walk around even though it was pretty cold out. There was
another cemetery we explored, and then we went to the playground
behind the local school I had once attended myself. We played in the
field surrounding the school, inventing a war type of game that
consisted of us throwing dirt clods attached to corn stalks at each
other. The explosions of dirt looked pretty fantastic.
We
got tired and headed back to my Grammy's, and on the walk back Jared
wrapped his arm around me, his arm slipping up my coat and around my
hip. Somehow, despite me feeling all the anger towards him earlier, I
allowed it and even enjoyed it, though there was still the twinge of
irritation. It was apparent in my mind that I only had a few hours
left with him until I was to get on a plane back to Alaska.
When
we got in there was a frenzy of picture taking, all four of us
together on the couch. I had worn a long pink and purple scarf that I
had knitted myself, and put it around Jared's neck. Right before we
parted ways he plopped a black beanie he'd been wearing non stop
since last summer on my head and hugged me goodbye. I watched their
car fade into the distance, and I started to cry. That was it. After a roller coaster of emotions all week, he was
gone again.
