Since our anniversary is this Saturday, I wanted to do a special set of blog posts.
Though we've only been an actual couple for 3 years, Jared and I have a
long history. This is my side of the story. While it might be heavily
romanticized on my part, Jared doesn't remember a lot of it, so this is
all you've got to put the pieces together with. Blame my hopeless
romantic life on growing up watching movies like Moulin Rouge. Either
way, it means a lot to me, so I hope you enjoy this personal glimpse
into my memories.
Nine
years ago, if you would have told me I was about to meet the
first boy I'd ever fall in love with,
I probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend what you were really
telling me. With this knowledge you’d granted me, I’d most
likely just smather on more
overly glittery chapstick. Nonetheless, I did, though I was
completely unaware for quite a while the great potential he and I
had.
I was
eleven
years old, and about to start middle school. Sixth grade, knowing
absolutely no one. My fourth school. Needless to say, by this time I
was starting to gain a lot of my anxiety that I'd carry through life.
I was becoming more and more quiet and less outgoing. I was thin as a
rail, and everyone I met liked to tell me so. My
teeth were crooked and I was becoming more and more aware of them and
my body's other meaningless imperfections.
His
name was Jared Dean Stephens, and I would fall head over heels in
love with him. But
not right away.
That
first year was uneventful in the way of us. All I can really remember
of him is that he sat somewhere behind me in homeroom, and in music
class, he huddled in the back of the room with some other boys. I
think he even gave me a piece of gum once-big red, a kind I didn’t
even like because it was too spicy, but remember keeping regardless.
I was too enamored with a boy I hardly spoke to, to notice the one
for me was always behind me. Its funny, the last picture taken of our
class that year, he’s directly behind me too. He's being me
in a lot of pictures in fact. I wonder if that's significant.
 |
| Last day of 6th grade. This is me in the grass and Jared is right behind ^ me. |
One
weird notable coincidence was that I ended up going to the same
theater as him one night. Upon exiting Pirates of the Caribbean I
realized he was walking next to me. Shocked to see him, I asked what
he was doing there. Of course he replied that he was seeing a movie
with his sister. I realized it was a stupid question and just kept
walking and that moment stuck with me. How weird it was that we'd
been in the same room in a different town than our hometown, and
hadn't known it.
The
only other thing that I remember is accidentally pushing him down the
stairs. We were talking and about to go down, and he said something
cheeky. I don't remember what it was, but I gave him a shove, not
really thinking about the fact that we were on the steps. He tripped
backwards a couple steps but had the right of mind to reach out and
grab the railing, thankfully. He gave me that bewildered look I have
learned to induce on purpose because I love it so much. We laughed it
off and kept going.
Seventh
grade…that’s when I suddenly saw him in a new light. I only
started to notice him in a new way because I thought he looked like
Harry Potter. That alone spawned a little crush. I can remember
sitting in the bleachers at lunch and gazing at him sitting down
below at a table with his friends. I would moon at him all the time,
him in his harley davidson shirt and swishy pants with the oval
glasses to top it all off. I would purposefully run into him in the
hallway, my failed attempt at flirting blowing up in my face when he
shoved me back so hard I fell into someone. Still the event was
exciting enough to me that I wrote it down in one of my journals.
We
rode the same bus that year, and one day he sat behind me, and
decided he was going to pester me. I think at that point I might’ve
been crushing more on someone else because I didn’t get as giddy
about it as I normally would. Anyhow, there he was, leaning over the
seat, continually poking at me. Which, in reevaluating this memory,
we’ve both concluded he probably had been crushing on me and was
unsuccessfully trying to flirt with me. Unsuccessful because I began
to warn him if he didn’t stop picking on me, I was going to spit on
him. He must not’ve believed me, or known I’m one who sticks to
her word because a few pokes over the top of the seat later, I had a
mouth full of saliva, and turned around and spat all over him. The
wind from the open windows caught it, and it was a real mess.
Both
of us were shocked that I’d actually done it, and sat gaping at
each other for a moment. Then he began to protest “You SPAT on me!”
in disbelief, and shaking my head girlishly I replied “I told you
to quit poking me!”. He turned his attention to the bus driver to
tattle on me, but she did not even remotely care. I think my friend
at the time, Katie Davis, was laughing. Still, my conscious kicked
in- and also a bit of the fact that I didn’t want my bus driver to
suddenly care and get mad at me-and I felt bad. So I got out my gym
shirt and gave it to him and he used to dry himself.
Fate
could see we obviously needed help, and set into motion a chain of
events so perfectly timed, I don’t think the results could have
turned out any sweeter. Whoever created this intricate design this
should pat themselves on the back.
The
summer after seventh grade it happened again. I was at Derby Days,
which is like a small carnival Lewisburg has. Lewisburg is the town I
lived in from age 5 to age 7. Then I went on to West Milton from
8-10. 10-11 was Preble Shawnee. Finally at 11 and on I was in Eaton
where he was. I moved a lot. I think I was up to my 13th house my
senior year.
Anyway,
there I was, meandering around, at the time alone for some reason.
Maybe I was waiting for friends or maybe they left and I was on my
way home. Either way, there I was, walking about and I saw him.
Jared. His back was to me and he was staring up at the Ferris wheel.
I made my way over to him because back then I still had that childish
bravery. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I demanded in a friendly
way. He turned around, somewhat stunning me with his looks. He’d
grown out his hair into this lady killing shag. I was not expecting
to see him, let alone see him looking so good. I'd spent the
beginning of the summer again mooning over a boy who'd never noticed
I existed. “My mom lives over here,” he explained. At this point
I think he’d dazzled words away from me, because all I could muster
was “oh cool.” and maybe a “see you later”. He turned back to
the Ferris Wheel and I stole another long glance before I headed
home. That’s an image that still sticks with me pretty well. Him
leaning on the fence with the lights dancing over him. I held onto
that all image in my mind all summer, and that feeling of being
mesmerized.
Eight
grade started. At first I was distracted by other boys. But then
every time I saw Jared I couldn’t get him out of my head. I got a
“boyfriend” that year. I had spent the previous summer crushing
on him, so it was such a nice feeling to have this guy. Yet, I found
myself gazing after Jared. I got embarrassed of my new boyfriend, who
liked to grab attention of our peers by carrying me to my locker
after lunch every day. So after only a week I broke up with him, and
we became just friends. All seemed well.
Little
did I know how long and heart wrenching this path I took would be. I
began to really crush on Jared, full fledged uncasually. He was
“going out” with a girl I was sort of acquainted with at the time
named Ashley. They broke up after oh, I don’t know maybe a month or
less. Then silly little Cady came along, and decided to go to her of
all people for help. I confessed to her that I liked him, and she
agreed to ask him out for me.
I
was sick with anxiousness that day, waiting for the verdict. I
remember she found me in the hallway after a class and gave me the
news. Just a “he said no” was all I got. I was pretty crushed. I
think I even had to go to my next class with him in it. He claims now
that she never asked him, that he doesn’t remember any of this. But
he also didn’t remember me spitting on him until a month after I
told him the story. He also said it was probably because I didn’t
ask myself. Which is unfair, in my humble opinion, because no one at
that age does that!
Anyhow,
a week or two later I got my record breaking second boyfriend, in an
attempt to make Jared jealous. Just kidding. I mean…come on I
thought the guy was cute and wanted to get to know him. But upon
doing so I found his hands were too big and hurt mine because he
wanted to hold them all the time, to the point I couldn’t even eat
my food at lunch because he was demandingly holding them. And that we
didn’t have a lot in common…whatever, I tried it but after a week
it wasn’t working for me so I broke it off.
Then,
I went back to having a crush on the first boyfriend, because I
couldn’t have Jared, and the way he treated my friend Lyzzy seemed
so lovely. That’s all I really wanted. Someone to treat me nice. My
whole middle school experience was people making fun of me for being
flat chested. Girls being jealous of my freakishly fast metabolism
and calling me anorexic. Being left out and not being invited to the
slumber parties everyone else was going to. Not to mention still
getting used to the fact that my mother had married and had a child
with a man who had no idea how to treat a pre-teen girl. It was a lot
easier to have a hopeless crush than nurse a rejection wound.
 |
| The last day of 8th grade. |
The
rest of the year slid by with silly parties. They weren’t by any
means “parties”, just all of us meeting at a friend’s house,
getting a little hyper on soda pop and potato chips, maybe even pizza
if we got lucky, and running around like little maniacs. A chance to
hang out and really get to know each other. For the couples to make
out, because a lot of these parties were unsupervised. I'd always
feel so guilty, because I would get lied to about that, so my mom
would let me go. I'd show up and feel so conflicted. Ultimately
they'd always convince me nothing would happen, and nothing ever did.
We'd watch movies and and talk, and goof around, and laugh until we
cried. Well that was usually Olivia's specialty, and I was good at
getting her to.
 |
| Moon Mist aplenty! My hands in the foreground, Jared in the center. |
Freshman
year was more of the same stupid heartache. I decided not to get my hopes up about Jared that year, after the previous years's let down. None of the boys I liked
were savory good fellows, and all broke my heart with rejections. I lost a best
friend because she was stealing from me and lying about it. However,
there were good things, like my group of friends became more solid as
we banded together. Jared was just kind of floating around in the
background at this point, and all I remember is aimlessly flirting
with him, making myself feel good because he’d flirt back, and I
didn’t care if it went anywhere or not.
 |
| Freshman weeniers. |
Summer
before sophomore year I received life changing news. My family was
moving to Alaska the next year. I was completely devastated. That
summer was shortened considerably because the previous summer lasted
forever. They were building the new high school and it was taking
them eons to complete, so we couldn't go back to school.
 |
| A heinously hilarious photo of Lyzzy, Jared, and I at a party at Rachel's. |
Still,
more parties were planned, but at this point since we’d gotten
older some of our group of friends were trying on new vices. I
was always terrified of weed,
and resolved never to touch the stuff. There was a whole class on why
we shouldn’t do it in the 5th grade, so I knew better. I also had never needed anything to make me
have a better time, or more fun, or be more happy. I could do that on
my own, and saw no need for something to do that for me.
That
was the thing about Jared. While everyone else was smoking weed, or
cigarettes, trying to look cool, and fit in, or feel good, he was
politely declining. In my mind, he was always that one person, my
partner, who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Like I wasn’t a
freak, or weird, or closed minded, or stuck up, or innocent and pure,
or whatever else everyone thought of me. That made me like him so
much more. In my mind, in that way, it was like we were already a
couple, because we were the two who didn’t.
So
sophomore year started, and there we were, he and I in the cafeteria
gathered with the rest of our class for an orientation of sorts. Our
group of friends sat down and all that was left was one chair.
One…chair. Instantly we started fighting for it in a musical chairs
battle royal sort of way, until we both sort of flopped on it
together, each with just a cheek on the seat.
Mike
and Rachel, two of our closest friends, and couple that had been
together for a year at that point(and still are to this day), sat
behind us watching the whole thing. They watched and plotted, making
faces at me when I turned around to see them. I knew what there were
thinking, what I’d always known…
“You
guys would be so cute together!” she was giddy, going on about how
her and Mike were going to fix us up. I knew
that, I had always known we’d be perfect together. He would just
never give me the chance to show him. I brushed her off, saying no,
no we were just friends, because I thought he didn’t like me that
way, and didn’t want to
go through rejection again.
Yet against my better judgment, and all my instincts, there I was,
falling for him like I always did, but oh, it was so much harder this
time.
Still,
I tried to deny it. I became obsessive over the lead singer of My
Chemical Romance, and tricked myself into believing I was in love
with him, so I didn’t have to face reality. I could just live in my
daydreams and fantasies, and not come out and face reality. I stopped
caring about things, and became depressed. Didn’t get up as early
in the morning to look good, just threw on that mychem hoodie and
left my hair in a fro or ponytail. I moped alone with my headphones
in, yet still put on a mask for my friends. I knew no one would want
to hang out with me if I was sad all the time, which would just make
things worse. So I had to pretend that nothing was wrong, when I had
that storm cloud hanging above me always.
 |
| Jared, Rachel, and I! Yes that's Jared's nipple. |
THEN
Suddenly! Halfway through the year, things started to change. All
sorts of little incidents began to give me all this hope. The first
semester of school ended and I was assigned to take speech class. I
walked into the mostly empty classroom and sat down near some girls I
knew well enough. When the bell was seconds from ringing, guess who
waltzed into the classroom. Fate likes to watch me squirm doesn't it?
Or did it just feel sorry for me and want him to finally notice me.
It
was the tail end of winter, and my family was taking a trip to a
place they called “The Holidome”. Its torn down now, but it used
to be this fantastic little hotel with an arcade, put-put golf, and a
pool. The perfect little get away for the winter blahs the whole
family could enjoy. This year, they were allowing me to take a
friend, and of course I took Rachel. We went to the Sandusky mall(I
think?) and of course to Hot Topic. While there and looking at the
buttons I found a Mindless Self Indulgence one, which just so
happened to be Jared's favorite band. And it just so happened that his
birthday was a week or two away.
When
I gave it to him in speech class, I made him close his eyes and hold
out his hand since it was too small to wrap. He looked so happy and surprised, I felt so good. He
said “Wow! I've never seen this before! Thanks! Where did you get
it?”. Then he attached it to Kendra's old decrepit carebear
sweatband that he wore every day so he'd “never have to take it
off”.
Speech
quickly became my favorite class because I could stare at Jared. I
loved when he got up to give a speech because he always looked right
into my eyes. Those bright blue eyes could melt butter, and I was
always a puddle by the end of his speeches. I'd smile because just
the fact that he was looking at me was enough to make me happy, and
he'd smile back.
His
pancake speech was my favorite. The other speeches he would kind of
look around the room at the rest of the class. But the pancake
speech, I was the only person he looked at. I have to wonder even
now if our teacher noticed and docked him points for not looking at
the classroom, or if she secretly shipped us. He'd look down at what
he was reading. Then at me.
Pancakes.
Me.
Pancakes.
Me.
Pancakes.
Me.
And his smile. Oh his smile is more
contagious than the flu.
Then he passed out the pancakes he
made. I was extremely full from my breakfast at home that morning,
but I ate that damn delicious little pancake. I thought I'd explode
from over-stuffed-ation, but I ate that pancake.
There
were days when we'd have free time and I'd always pray he'd come talk
to me. He always did. One time I remember especially well is when I
was reading and Jared came and sat in someone's seat in front of me.
He looked through some of my drawings and I almost poked his eye
out(he claimed) trying to keep him from seeing a special one I was
drawing for him.
 |
| Skipping his math class to hang out with Ryan and I in our photography class for a bit. |
Spring
was just around the corner, but it was still a chilly March. Rachel
was desperate to see her best friend get the first kiss she so
desperately desired and would make obvious set ups for us to be
alone. There was a night she had Jared, Stephen, and I over to watch
movies. When the Saw dvd didn't work, they decided on Gremlins.
Halfway through, they decided to take Rachel's little sister to
something at the YMCA, and left Jared and I alone in the dark.
Nothing happened, much to my dismay, but we did talk a tiny bit,
which was nice. They came back a short time later and saw that we
were exactly where they'd left us.
 |
| A sorry looking lot to be sure! |
However!
When that movie ended, we headed up into Rachel's loft to watch
another movie. They picked Half-Baked and I was kind of indifferent
about it, so I curled up in her bed, and Jared sat on the floor in
front of me(her mattress was just on the floor up there). Halfway
through the movie, Jared sat up on the bed in a way that I was curled
around him and I started to get a little giddy that he was getting
closer to me. When the movie ended he flopped back and laid his head
on my belly, and Rachel curled up by my head somewhere near Stephen.
That's when I started to wonder if he was finally starting to have
feelings for me.
There
was another night when Jared, Rachel and I, were hanging out at her
house watching Jackass. On the way to take him home, he and I were in
the backseat, she and her mom driving up front. It was a freezing
January night on those cold ass leather seats. Suddenly, arms are
surrounding me and swooping me up. The ‘this is too good to be
true’ flag waved in my mind, but I looked up and there he was,
holding me close to him and shivering. A big stupid smile graced my
face as I instinctually snuggled into him a bit more the way I’d
always wanted to.
I
think we were giggling and talking or something, because Rachel
noticed and turned around to see the magic happening. She squeezed
through the center console and on the other side of me(such a great
friend). I am a picture fiend, I love pictures. I’d had my first
digital camera for a month and gingerly whipped it out to photo
document this wonderful occurrence. It’s an adorable set of
pictures. In one you can see me clearly gazing up at him. In another,
Rachel looks tired in the foreground, and in the background he and I
are resting our heads on each other and look like we’re sleeping.
In
April, something monumental happened between us. It was the night of
the 7th, and it was another snuggle party at Rachel's, the same four
of us as was the Gremlin's get together. It started off with the
movie Boondock Saints this time, and after it was over, me and Rachel
were laying our heads on Jared's chest and talking. After
a little while he got up and laid down on her bed. I instinctively
followed and laid down next to him without any thought or hesitation.
Rachel and Stephen followed, but Stephen was trying to put moves on
Rachel who was not into it. She was trying to get over Mike because
they had broken up, but didn't have feelings for Stephen. Stephen was
just hoping for anyone to give him a chance. For a little while,
Jared and Rachel kind of had all of us in a bear hug. Then they let
go and Rachel sort of fell asleep with Stephen being all up in her
grill.
I
lied there, being semi-spooned for a while quietly, just soaking in
the moment. Then I realize how close his hand is to mine, and my mind
starts screaming at me. “Do it Cady! Grab his hand! Do it do it do
it do it do it DO IT!!!!”. Slowly I inch my hand until I touch his,
and feebly wrap it around his thumb. He accepted it though, and for
the longest time he'd wiggle his fingers against mine in a rhythm,
and I'd do it back.
He
was sick that night, and super tired. He also fell asleep, and
started breathing out of his mouth, heavily into my ear, which caused
me to giggle and wake him up. This happened several times, but I
don't think he minded. Then Rachel starts mumbling in her sleep. The
boys try to get her to say more, when she suddenly cried out happily
'There's a dolphin parade!'. We all burst out laughing and woke her
up.
We
all talked for a little while, and Rachel reached over to grab my
hand. I had no time to react and she caught us holding hands and
mentioned it out loud, and even in the dark I could tell she had a
wry grin on her face. We let go and I held Rachel's hand for a while,
but Stephen wanted to put the moves on Rachel though and they ended
up floating away onto the floor somewhere nearby. I felt bad, because
Rachel was floating away to try and escape Stephen, but he wasn't
taking a hint. Still, I knew Rachel was really tough and would mess
up a guy's face back then if he got too fresh with her. She was
taking one for the team for me to be close to Jared for just a little
while.
Suddenly
Jared wrapped his arm around me tightly, pulled me close to him and
held my hand again. I could've melted into a happy puddle right then
and there. My mind was going berserk. He was holding me, I was in his
arms, I couldn't believe it. My palms were sweating, and my heart was
about to pound its way out of my chest, cracking ribs as it went. I
kept staring out the window at the stars and just felt like for once,
everything was right in the universe. All the while he would take my
hand in his, and gently touch each of my fingers with his. I felt
like I would die right then of complete bliss.
Soon
though we all realized what time it was, and that the boys were
supposed to have left three hours before. Someone said they'd better
get going, and I really didn't want him to go. I squeezed his hand
tightly, and he squeezed mine back. We reluctantly got up and walked
them out. I hugged him goodbye, and they left. Rachel then promptly
demanded I dish out the juiciness of my romantic life blossoming
before her.
 |
| The happiest 16 year old in the world. |
A
week went by without contact, for that night was the first of spring
break, and we had no other plans with our friends to meet up. In
speech class the following week, our teacher just happened to partner
us up. Our task was to tell the other person what we'd done over our
spring break. I couldn't look in his eyes when I smiled sheepishly
and said “Well... you know about Friday, you were there”. When it
was his turn he too grinned bashfully when he started off with “Well
Friday...”, then skipped on to the rest of his week.
Seeing
him in speech class wasn't enough after a while, especially with my
kidnapping to Alaska being just around the corner as May had rolled
around much to my dismay. I decided to start skipping study hall to
enjoy the company of Jared and Rachel on their lunch break. We had a
lot of fun times with all our friends together there, but one of my
favorites was when it was just him and I alone talking about food for
about fifteen minutes straight.
School
ended about two weeks in, and all too suddenly for me. My Mom and
Rachel helped set up a surprise going away party for me at Rachel's
house. I was so confused about why there was even a party for me, I
was in that much denial. With all the excitement of the possibility
that Jared might like me back, I couldn't bare to think I was going
to have to leave him for an unknown amount of time.
The
party was just like all the others, wonderful and silly. We ran
around with squirt guns and roasted food over a bonfire when it got
dark. I think there were too many people around, and both of us were
too nervous to flirt. It was stupid, it was as if there was this
delicate balance of flirting, where we didn't want anyone to know, as
if it would scare the other off like a deer in the woods. Still when
he left in a friend's car that night, I could see it on his face he
was sad to leave. Especially when he hugged me.
I
knew then. I think everyone knew, despite our silent games. I don't
know why I tormented myself with it for so long. Everyone told me,
especially my Grammy. We all knew why, but since I hadn't heard it
from his lips, I couldn't bring myself to believe something so
wonderful could be true. It was too good to be true.
He
did like me back, but knowing I was moving was the deal breaker. He
didn't want to put both of us through the hurt of getting attached
and then me leaving. But I was already attached, because even though
he didn't say he liked me, his actions gave him away. It still hurt
just as bad, feeling it but not knowing it as a solid answer.
After
that party, Jared, Rachel, and I got together twice more. The first
lasted into the evening, playing with puppies Rachel's dogs had
parented. Just he and I outside with several puppies. The way he was
so sweet and cutesy with them was enough to melt the hardest heart,
and I was smitten. Rachel watched from inside the sliding glass door,
urging me with violent hand gestures to make a move, but I couldn't. I didn't want to
be the one to do it. I thought I'd made myself obvious, and I just
wanted to know he wanted me badly enough to kiss me himself.
The
last day was the hardest. It was sweltering hot by then, and we
chased each other around Rachel's house with icecubes. After that
ended we watched Ace Venture, then showed Jared and Stephen(who'd
given him a ride out that day) the painting Rachel and I made
together. But before we knew it, it was time for the boys to go.
He
hugged me once, then we hugged again. I held him tightly and nuzzled
my face into the crook of his neck, my lips resting boldly against
his bare skin. He hugged me for just a moment and then pulled away,
as if I were transferring feelings with the hug, and they were all
too much to handle. He waved goodbye with sad blue eyes, and I was
crumbling inside.
We
walked out onto the front porch and I stood with Rachel as he got
into the car with Stephen. I wanted him to look back. Just to look
back at me wistfully. Just give me the signal and I'll come running.
But he didn't. Rachel could see the ache coming through in my face, I
was like a caged animal.
“Go
to him! Hurry!”
But
my feet stayed glued to the concrete.
My
teeth formed his name but my vocal cords lay silent.
“Juh-”
“Go!”
she urged.
“Juh-”
The
car began to roll over the rocky pavement of her driveway. Still he
would not look back at me.
“Jare-..”
The
car was out on the street, and finally he turned one last glance back
at me. Brief and heart wrenching. The car disappeared around the bend
and I collapsed into the ground. Disappointed in myself for not
calling out his name and ever getting that damned kiss. Disappointed
that he never made it easy for me. Terrified of the thought that I
didn't know when I would see him again.
